It’s bad enough the number of times that I have to surrender my personal details to a computer – HAVE YOU PEOPLE NEVER SEEN TERMINATOR?? THEY ARE GETTING SMARTER!! Don’t believe me? I am typing this on Windows 8 and I’m fairly sure it’s cleverer than I am. (It’s essentially the only thing that currently stopping my plans of world domination). But then I am asked to think of a password that should not be the same as any other password because you know someone may want to hack into my Google + or Flickr accounts. (Good luck with that). OK I could use a random password generator but IF IT’S THAT RANDOM, HOW WILL I REMEMBER IT?? Now when I’ve thought of a good password I’m informed that it mU5t Hav3 A m1xtuR3 0f nUmb3r5s & Cap1tAl l3tt3r5. BUT I can’t keep this password because it’s a security risk so it should be changed every 90 days or so. THIS IS SO SECURE I CAN’T EVEN ACCESS IT AND IT’S MY DATA!! Ultimately I’m not going to be able to remember all these passwords so there’s the security question just in case. No, I haven’t got any children; I haven’t been on honeymoon; I never had a favourite teacher; and no, I don’t actually know where my mother was born. And I am certainly not going to enter the name of my first school BECAUSE THAT’S A QUESTION MY BANK HAS ASKED ME. So there shall be an end to idiotic security questions. Oh forget it just pass me a pen and a piece of paper so I can write all this down.
Dearest, darling, I had to write to tell you I like Dusty Springfield but every time I listen to one of her songs my inner feminist dies a little. So Dusty Springfield songs shall be remixed to be less doormat-esque. I mean let’s look at ‘Wishin’ and hopin’’ in which we are advised that to get a man all we’ve gotta do is do the things he likes to do; wear your hair just for him; show him that you care just for him and not forgetting the whole kissing and squeezing and loving thing (but that won’t get you into his heart). Forgive me for being the voice of doom when I say HE’S REALLY NOT GOING TO NOTICE HOW YOU WEAR YOUR HAIR! And as for doing the things that he likes to do in a fair amount of cases this is insufferably boring (fishing, anyone?) and I doubt he will display the same interest in your erm interests. And then where will your love lie? In the middle of nowhere. Ah, Dusty, you sing such things with such emotion and passion that it makes it difficult to think – it’s probably the windmills in my mind – and I feel that I probably should be throwing myself at some bloke saying you don’t have to say you love me just be close at hand (because I’m aware that you’ve got a lot of wild oats to sow) – although unless he’s the son of a preacher man it sounds like it’s not going to work.
And what you gonna do in private? Carrying on with all this ‘I only wanna be with you’ business is just going to lead straight into ‘I just don’t know what to do with myself’ territory whenever I’m alone or single. STOP! In the name of love! I am better than this. I don’t want to be wandering round asking ‘What have I? What have I? What have I done to deserve this?’ when things don’t work out (and let’s face it how can I be sure in a world that’s constantly changing?). Anyone who had a heart would love me…for who I am. (Trust me, I’m adorable).
R.E.S.P.E.C.T, Dusty. Find out what it means to you. And I’ll do the same because I’m the future Guiding Hand of the Nation, I’m a catch. Just do it and then you’ll be mine.
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