I confess I go to modern art galleries quite often but mostly for the cafés. Because it is a truth universally unacknowledged that the more incomprehensible the art, the better the range of reasonably priced beverages and snacks. Modern art is like Marmite – you either love it or you hate it although as far as I am aware there’s no debate over what Marmite is, whether Marmite is actually Marmite, and whether Marmite is only the preserve of overly privileged poshos (yes, I am aware that Marmite isn’t a preserve). Marmite is delicious when applied correctly: Marmite thinly spread on toast (delicious), Marmite on crumpets (passable), Marmite on a fruit scone (are you pregnant?? Because that isn’t right!). And the same is true of modern art: done properly it’s delicious but done badly leaves you with some weird tasting concoction that would probably get you kicked off Masterchef before you have said your first ‘Yes, Chef!’. The proof of modern art’s pudding is in its interpretation but too often this interpretation is completely lacking. Why? Well I would say this is because your piece is abstract and yet you have decided to call it ‘Untitled’. I really am terribly sorry but my telepathy doesn’t appear to be working right now and as you know abstract can apply to, you know, ANYTHING, it might be helpful to point us in at least the right direction even if some of us can’t read maps and cannot possibly understand your artistic genius. What’s that? It’s the role of the curator to guide us in interpreting the pieces? Yes, except that s/he hasn’t really written anything about any of your work either and I don’t believe it’s because they aren’t sufficiently clever or keen. I suspect that it’s because they don’t actually understand it either BECAUSE IT ISN’T ACTUALLY ABOUT ANYTHING! YOU DON’T KNOW EITHER! So there shall be no modern art entitled ‘Untitled’ forthwith unless you can produce a business case for each work explaining the rationale behind this particular title which will be presented to a group of non-experts for what may commonly be termed as ‘bullsh*t testing’. If you can get this group to approve your title then fine by me but in the meantime if anybody needs me, I’ll be in the café.


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