Sorry I’ll have to make this brief as I’m expecting a call from my agent, yeah? Apparently the dailies are just begging to serialise this blog which will single-handedly revive their flagging sales and one of the major publishing houses is totally looking to commission me to write my autobiography ‘Less Cool Than You’. ‘Cos here’s the thing, yeah, my lifestyle of reading, eating toasted teacakes, and drinking too much tea on a weekend is just so uncool, it’s cool. I’m going to be known as the esprit de temps and be cited as a crucial influence on the next generation of artistes for years to come. Which is so worth deforesting the rainforest for. I mean I think the animals and the environment would be grateful if they could understand what I’m going to achieve here.
This is actually a ploy to get famous/notorious so that I can get on Who Do You Think You Are? and have someone research my horrendously complicated family tree for me without any actual effort on my behalf.
By this time, however, I’ll be married to Prince Harry, and I won’t care.
What you mean instead of setting the ridiculously low target of making everyone’s lives marginally better that they then can take for granted and incorporate into their daily whinge when things don’t meet their overinflated expectations? Yes, you’re probably right. A mostly sarcastic, flippant, blog is clearly the right place to be examining the most pressing social issues of today like child poverty, homelessness, and human trafficking. No. There’s quite a number of people who know quite a lot about these subjects go and find their blogs/articles/interviews and get yourself an informed opinion.
The purpose of this blog is not to belittle the experiences of those who have lived under and survived dictatorships or to endorse existing ones. But to convince you that fax machines are evil.
Think about it.
Never has such a piece of office equipment clearly belonged in the 1980s and yet they are still in offices. Lurking. Biding their time. Until one day they will start spitefully spewing out blank pieces of paper and refusing to give up the information that has been entrusted to them unless their extortionate demands are met. I strongly suspect that they are blackmailing the rest of the office equipment. Why else are they still there? Technology has moved on! The internet is no longer a twinkle in Tim Berners-Lee’s eye; you can actually get it on your mobile phone! No more I say! Let us banish fax machines back to the 1980s along with Madonna, neon, Flashdance, and everything else from that period that should be forgotten! TELL US WHAT DIRTY SECRETS THE FAX MACHINE HAS ON YOU, WE PROMISE NOT TO JUDGE!
Essentially I envisage that things will remain more or less the same … except that they will be better. Because let’s face it while we all enjoy a good whinge a lot of things are pretty good as they are e.g. we have free schooling, free healthcare, free speech to name a few. But let’s face it there’s lots of things that could be improved, which is why I am proposing to take over: I can do this better and yes, seeing as you mention it, I AM BETTER THAN YOU. And if you don’t like it you can emigrate to Ireland, Scotland, America or Spain depending on how much time you like to spend talking about the weather.
I’m not saying I’ll make everything as amazing as I clearly am. I aim if not to please then at least to make people’s lives marginally better. My point is that shit happens. Even the most benign and cuddly dictator (and I’m fairly sure that there hasn’t been one of those yet) will not be able to please everyone or even make the trains and buses run on time (no, Mussolini did not do this before you start). So in much the same vein I cannot ensure that it won’t rain at inconvenient times; that the remote control/keys are always to hand or even exactly where you left them; or that you will win the lottery and become a multi-millionaire (actually I might have some control over that one so be nice to me). I don’t actually have magical powers … although if you give me £20 I can make it disappear.
“You should write a blog.” This has been said to me a number of times down the years by various different people I know. Typically I divide these people into two categories. 1) Those who have a blog and want to tell me about it; 2) People who think I spout a load of rubbish and, instead of burdening them with it, think I should channel my ramblings into a more appropriate forum. Clearly the more appropriate forum would be a blog as obviously the internet doesn’t contain enough rubbish already. Despite my doubts about the internet’s capacity to contain infinite amounts of junk, I have decided to add my tuppenethworth to the fray. (Chances are I will lose interest rather than actually seriously contributing to breaking the internet.)
And so we come to the subject of this blog: world domination. As this is a rather ambitious goal in the short term I have decided to focus on England (and Wales). This blog seeks to examine various aspects of my regime and to convince you to Vote for Me!
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